The Talk
by Mister Melancholy
Summary: The Hitachiin twins receive "the talk" from their mother. HikaKao
1. Yuzuha's Talk

**The Talk**

_The Hitachiin twins receive "the talk" from their mother. implied HikaKao_

--

It was after dinner when _it_ happened.

When.

It.

Happened.

"It" would be referred to as the most dreaded, the scariest, the most mind-boggling, the most _horrifying _thing possible to ruin a newly-sprouted teenager's mind: the talk – bum bum bum! The talk, the talk, the talk; it was what the Hitachiin twins were hoping to avoid even though they _didn't_ believe such a thing existed. They had heard other people talk about it – the people who had turned thirteen – but they never thought they would experience the pain.

They did. They didn't like it. They think it would scar their brains for an eternity.

As said before, it was after dinner when _it_ happened. Yuzuha was watching the twins feed each other and flirt with each other, an abnormal sign of the usual and common brotherly love. Yuzuha was scared; yes, she was scared, but for the reason that her precious little sons might turn into homos. She was homophobic, and she was proud. She didn't want her own sons to turn homos, though, so what was the only thing to do? The only thing to do was give them "the talk".

She knew they were old enough. They just turned thirteen two days ago, and it was time to let the two young adults know about the stage of a newly grown teenager: puberty.

When the Hitachiin twins' plates were carried out of the kitchen, the three family members seated silently in their seats, Yuzuha clapped her hands to signal the maids for no interruptions. Hikaru and Kaoru was beginning to get frightened at that time. Their mother never talked to them anymore, and it was scary to know what would become of them after whatever Yuzuha was planning to do.

Yuzuha massaged her temples and heaved out long breaths, stretching. Then, she eyed her two sons in a serious matter, trying to surpass the giggle that came her way because of Hikaru and Kaoru's funny reactions, and said, "Okay, I think it's time for me to give you guys… _'the talk'_." She used her fingers to make quotation marks, then regained her serious composure again. "I am serious about this."

Hikaru looked at Kaoru and Kaoru looked at Hikaru, hugging each other as Goosebumps started forming on their arms. Yuzuha nodded her head in disappointment, walking casually up to her sons. Then, with one quick motion, she pushed their arms off of each other's waists, receiving a gasp from the two as they just hugged each other again. Yuzuha pushed their arms back again, but the twins embraced the other again. It went on like this again and again and again…

And _again_.

Yuzuha, finally fully irritated, wringed the twins arms back down to their own sides and grabbed Kaoru by the ear ("Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow," Kaoru mumbled) and forced him to sit in her former seat, tapping her foot impatiently. She breathed in again. "Now, as I said before, this is _serious_. I think you two should… know…" The woman glared at Hikaru's foolish attempt to crawl up to Kaoru as he slid back into his own seat, whimpering. "You two are… no offense, but you two are abnormal with each other."

"Hey!" Hikaru yelled, crossing his arms over his chest. Kaoru giggled softly into the palms of his gentle hands, rolling his eyes playfully.

"I _did_ say no offense," Yuzuha said defensively.

Hikaru pulled out his tongue, closing his eyes in disgust. "So? It doesn't mean I won't get verbally hurt! Really, that hurt Yuzuha; that _really_, _really_ hurt right here." Hikaru pointed to his chest and frowned.

Yuzuha nodded disappointingly again and slapped Hikaru's hand back down ("Ow, that hurt!" Hikaru retorted). She sighed and began clicking her tongue as if to imply how impatient she is. "Okay, okay, on with the talk." She paused for a moment to think of what exactly to talk about, but in the end decided to talk about whatever mature thing came to her mind. "Let's talk about sex."

"Ne ne," Hikaru said, "me and Kaoru promised each other we would have it together."

Kaoru's eyes glittered. "Yeah, we promised!"

Yuzuha sighed and gave the two a short snort. "No no no! You two may _not_ have sex together. That is called incest. Having sex with another family member is taboo, and taboo is _baaaaad_." She stressed the word "bad" with all her breath. "Also, you two may not flirt or do anything sexually arousing with each other. That is also considered taboo."

"Hell, everything with twins is considered taboo!" Hikaru suddenly exclaimed, running up to his younger brother. He pounced onto Kaoru's lap and started gently pecking Kaoru's cheeks, smiling mischievously. "I don't care if I'm a bad boy, _mommy_. I love my Kaoru."

Kaoru giggled. "I love you too, Hikaru." He turned his attention momentarily back at his mother. "Besides, mommy," Kaoru began, kissing Hikaru back on the lips, "daddy's friend said she married her younger brother. Isn't that incest?"

"Yes, but…" Yuzuha bit her bottom lip nervously. "Well, you know, they're the different sex. I mean, it's not as revolting as with twins who are the same sex, no offense."

"Ugh, mommy, you're so mean!" Hikaru and Kaoru said in unison.

Yuzuha raised a finger and calmly said, "I only speak the truth"-Hikaru rolled his eyes, saying, "Yeah right," as Kaoru hummed a nice tune, cocking his head to the side nonchalantly-"er, never mind about this sex thing. Let's talk about girls."

"They're ugly," Hikaru replied brusquely, clinging onto his brother for dear life.

"They're okay," Kaoru squeaked quietly.

"No, wrong!" Yuzuha fanned herself, the atmosphere beginning to get tense. "Okay, for the rest of the conversation, I'm talking."

"But wouldn't that mean it wouldn't really be a conversation?" Kaoru asked innocently.

Yuzuha glared at the younger twin as he let out a yelp, burying his head into Hikaru's chest, mumbling, "She's scary, Hikaru!"

"Er, I'll begin. There comes a time when you two boys will experience a change in both your voice and your body. An Adam's apple will begin to form in your throat, hormones begin to go out of control, and you start to see that toys equal to girls. You see, you two boys are supposed to have sex with woman and that's all you can do if you want to have sex. No sex with each other or other boys, got it? Also, the only way to have babies – Kaoru, you have always dreamed of wanting babies, right? – is to have sex with a female and get her pregnant. That means you shouldn't use condoms if you want babies, but be careful not to overload. You don't want an extensive amount of little dev- I mean, angels, right? Right. Oh oh, and a small fragment of advice: when your female partner (who is always supposed to be on the bottom) moans loudly and asks you 'for more,' hump faster and her wish will be granted. I mean, girls should always get what they want, especially when performing sex. Er, you can't do that with each other, huh? Am I right? That explains why I do not want you two to have sex, gay or not. I will not tolerate my two sons being homos! Anyway, I guess I could give you guys some sex tips. I mean, you two _are_ teenagers, so you two should know. Okay, make sure to buy some lotion, so the pain would feel more pleasurable, if you know what I mean. Do it in a love hotel; that would give you two – _not_ you two, Hikaru and Kaoru, but one of you and your girlfriend – some privacy and quiet to do all your little heart's desires. Make sure to wear condoms if you're not ready for babies, and always let a moan out to make sure your partner knows you're enjoying the whole experience. If your butt hurts, use the lotion. Just apply and tada! The pain is eased. Oh, and one last thing before I stop rambling," Yuzuha said, taking a glass of water. She drank the entire glass down in one gulp and sighed dreamily, readying herself for her final words for "the talk". "Orgasms are nice."

Um, so, she just threw it out on the twins. Like, bam! She just talked about it so straightforwardly (unlike how parents should do it) and thus gave the Hitachiin twins scarred brains – _forever_.

Sex with woman.

Condoms or no condoms – depends if you want babies or not.

Love hotel.

Lotion.

Moaning in pleasurable pain.

Orgasms are…

Er, "nice"?

It was hard for the two to succumb all the terrifying events in their minds, mostly because they didn't _want_ to. Thirteen-year-olds weren't supposed to have the talk. It was just pure torture.

It wasn't nice.

"Okay, I'm done here," Yuzuha said in a triumphant tone, planting her hands on her hips. She laughed out loud and clapped her hands, walking out of the kitchen.

The Hitachiin twins' opened mouths were left there for a while until Yuzuha came back in, smiling. "Let's have 'the talk' again another time, okay? Next week I'm going to teach you about boobs and which ones are the best. It's ideal for choosing the woman of your lives."

Um, just… _ew_.

They weren't ready for _the talk_!

They were _only _thirteen!

--

**A/N: **Um, so I didn't know whether to rate this T or M, so I just rated it M… just to be safe. There were a lot of adult themes, I guess. O.o

The dependant clauses comes back to attack! I couldn't help it. Seriously. I know it's so annoying to read, but I just thought it would match the mood of the whole fic. xD

Okay, you _know_ every teen hates having to have "the talk," and that's what I thought a few days ago. Unfortunately, I've never had the talk before with my parents… yet… (my parents don't talk about these things with me. I have an innocent family, sorta xD) so it was hard for me to write it, but meh. I checked a site and read a little of it, but then I was all like, "tl;dr, he-he," so I wrote whatever I thought Yuzuha would say. I mean, I don't know what Yuzuha is like, but I just have this feeling she's a blunt but caring fashion-obsessed woman. :D

Um, this was an idea that just wouldn't stop bothering me. I seriously needed to let it out, but I couldn't really write it. It was hard, so I just slapped on random stuff. D: I don't really like this.


	2. Seiryō's Talk

**The Talk**

_The Hitachiin twins receive "the talk" from their mother. implied HikaKao_

--

It was after three seconds suffering from _it_ when _it_ happened again.

When.

_It_.

Happened.

_Again_!

The Hitachiin twins couldn't decide whether the talk with their mother was worse than the talk with their father. They were both equally scary, especially because they received the talk from a homophobe (aka, Yuzuha) and a gay rights supporter (aka, Seiryō).

Again, the talk from Seiryō happened three seconds after the talk with Yuzuha.

Three… fucking… seconds!

Their brains were still trying to block out all the perverted images Yuzuha had innocently and unintentionally placed in the twin's minds. I mean, really, what kind of mother does that sort of thing? Apparently, Yuzuha does.

Anyway, it was after three seconds that Yuzuha said, "Let's have 'the talk' again another time, okay? Next week I'm going to teach you about boobs and which ones are the best. It's ideal for choosing the woman of your lives," when their dad just magically appeared out of the blue in Yuzuha's former seat.

"Hey kiddos," he said, hands wrapped under his chin, "so I've heard your mother and 'the talk,' and I just have to say one thing to that." Adjusting his spectacles, ruffling his red hair to make his bangs cover his eyes, he unwrapped his fingers from each other's and settled them firmly on the table, his eyes full of glory. "_Bullshit_ to whatever Yuzuha said. That woman speaks nonsense, I swear! Now, let me give you the talk the _real_ way."

"Um, dad," Kaoru said softly, cowering in Hikaru's arms. He was still frightened dearly because of Yuzuha's talk; Hikaru and Kaoru weren't sure if Seiryō's talk would be better or worse.

Hikaru placed his feeble arms around Kaoru's waist and tugged his younger brother closer to him, grimacing. "We're _only_ thirteen!"

Seiryō slammed his fists down on the table roughly, standing up simultaneously. "Again, bullshit! Thirteen, fifty – not much of a difference is there?"

"Well, technically, the difference is thirty-seven, and that's sorta high if you talk in mathematical terms," Kaoru said in a matter-of-fact way, ducking his head to avoid their father's violent scream.

"No no! As long as you're a teen, you will be able to have the talk. Now let me begin. _I_ actually support gay rights"-he shuffled his feet and shoved his hands into his pockets, fishing out a small, crumpled picture-"because of my friends here. Their names are Mitsukuni Haninozuka and Takashi Morinozuka. I believe they are fifteen, but the two are gay for each other." Seiryō dramatically whimpered, wringing his hands down to his sides straightly. "I – curse myself! – used to think homos were revolting, but now my preference on them changed because of those two. That little Mitsukuni kid looks so adorable and innocent when he's with Takashi-chan. It makes me want to be gay, but alas, I'm _married_."

"Hey, I heard that!" Yuzuha came stomping into the room, pointing a slender finger at Seiryō's direction. "My talk is way better than yours, honey, just face it!"

"I haven't even given the two the full talk yet! How should you go coming about talking to me like that if I haven't had the chance to? You are such a biased woman," Seiryō growled suddenly, making the twins jump. They've never seen their parents fight before; they've always been a lovey-dovey couple up until now.

Yuzuha turned her head to look at her sons and smiled wickedly. "I'll tell you what – why don't we let Hikaru and Kaoru decide who's better at the talk? I mean, they _are_ our victims."

"You've got yourself a deal, but I'd like some privacy with the boys for my talk." Yuzuha rolled her eyes but complied anyway, stretching out her skinny arm to meet Seiryō's hairy one, and made their hands intact, shaking cautiously. Then, with a turn of the heel, Yuzuha trotted out of the kitchen.

"Ah, that woman." Seiryō shook his head, but then quickly averted his attention back to his two sons. "Okay, so, I'm going to talk to you about 'the talk' now, if that's okay with you guys..."

"It's not!" Hikaru screamed as Kaoru whispered something inaudible.

Seiryō froze for a second, but then grinned. "Oh, okay, let's begin then! So you see, being gay isn't bad."-Hikaru placed his hands on his younger brother's ears, trying to block out whatever his father had to say; if Kaoru heard Seiryō's talk, who knows what would happen-"I actually think it helps with population. With the increasing amount of people being born every year because of irresponsible sex, with two men having sex, that won't be a problem, right-o? Men can't get pregnant – except those little horse in the sea, I think they're called horseshoes – so that's a big plus! You can meet your sexual desires any time you want without worrying about 

pregnancy, and from what I've watched, it looks fun." Seiryō paused abruptly and looked at the twin's blank expressions before continuing. "Uh, I'm not implying I read gay porn, because I don't." Seiryō bit his bottom lip, a drop of sweat rolling down the side of his neck as he breathed in heavily. "Uh, so, let's get on with the matters of sex with you two ('cause I heard you wanted to do it together, which sounds fun)! So, which one of you is seme and which one of you is uke?"

Kaoru had struggled out of Hikaru's grip on him successfully and raised his tiny arm curiously. "What's seme and uke?"

The father laughed half-heartedly at his youngest son's question, placing his hands on his hips triumphantly. "Seme is the strong person on top, and little uke is the weak, little, innocent, vulnerable, cutie on the bottom."

Kaoru took in his words and smiled. "Oh, okay! Then I want to be seme."

Hikaru shrugged thoughtfully. "I guess I'll be uke," he said bluntly, pulling Kaoru closer to him. "I think this'll be easy."

Seiryō gasped, horror in his eyes. "No! That is wrong! You two have committed a _major_ sin in the seme-uke world." The large man walked up to his sons and roughly hit them on the head, shaking his head in disappointment. "Hikaru, you're seme. You are older and stronger than your little brother here. Besides, you look more like a man in my eyes. The rule is, the seme _always_ has to be the older and more masculine type. Now, Kaoru, no offense, but you have pretty feminine features. I probably think that way because you're the younger one and you have the cute- I mean, the most innocent voice, so you're uke. Uke _always_ has to be the younger and vulnerable (more feminine) one, got it?"

"But isn't-" Hikaru said, nudging Kaoru.

"-that stereotypical?" Kaoru finished, frowning. "I really wanted to be se-"

Hikaru gently placed a finger on Kaoru's lips and stared at their father. He was twitching angrily.

"Okay, okay, calm down," Seiryō said to himself in a cool voice, "they're just little boys. Do… not… kill… Okay! I'm back! So, Kaoru, you're uke, got it?"

Kaoru sighed. "Fine," he agreed, nodding his head. Hikaru ruffled Kaoru's hair and chuckled.

"Good, good. Now, it's true you should go to a love hotel, but it's okay if you do it at home. I mean, I'd love to sneak up on you gu- I mean, I'd love to see- er, it's fine with me if you do it in front of me. I'll just ignore you guys." Seiryō shrugged nonchalantly. "Lotion is essential, also. Yuzuha was right on that part. Oh, and orgasms are nice, yup. Once you experience it, you'll know why."

The man eyed his sons and grinned softly. "Okay, on with the real talk! So, I'll teach you guys how to have sex with guys."

"Have you ever?" Hikaru asked, smirking.

Seiryō's face turned scarlet as he furrowed his eyebrows, scowling. "N-no, of course not! Don't be ridiculous, Hikaru. I told you I'm married."

"Again, I heard that!" a faint voice called out.

"Again, you're not supposed to be listening!" Seiryō yelled back in a mocking tone, massaging his temples. "Well, Hikaru, since you're going to be on top, you have to be forceful with Kaoru. Not too forceful, but just enough that Kaoru is moaning in pleasurable pain. Oh, and if you're thinking of humping my little boy there, well, y'know, don't break him. Try to be creative and think naughty, though. Use fluffy handcuffs, use your tongue, use _everything_, because no one-" he coughed, saying, "except Yuzuha," and coughed again-"is going to stop you. Sure, it might be taboo, but this is romantic taboo! I'm not talking about those masochists, but I'm talking about lovebirds, and you two should do whatever you want with each other. So, go on ahead and fuck each other!"

Oookay then. Well, that was… er, there really aren't any words that can justify the talk. Really.

A shallow, creak was heard behind them, and Yuzuha walked in the room with a happy and arrogant smile on her face. "So tell us, Hikaru-"

"-and Kaoru," Seiryō said, sharing the same smile.

"Who gave you guys the better talk?"

--

**A/N: **Lol, meet the Hitachiins! xD

The twin's dad is a yaoi fanboy, yay! He's one of us, one of us! :D

So, which talk was better: Yuzuha's or Seiryō's?

Sorry for the crappy and boring and short chappie. I just can't imagine Seiryō as well as Yuzuha. xD Well, the last chapter will be up and running in a few weeks, maybe, if I ever get to it. xD (I know it says it's completed. I keep forgetting to change the status -.-)


	3. Tamaki's Talk

**The Talk**

_The Hitachiin twins receive "the talk" from their mother. implied HikaKao_

--

Yuzuha placed a small hand under her chin, her other hand firmly grasping onto the mouse. She stared blankly onto the monitor and sighed as her husband, Seiryō, was sitting behind her, grasping her shoulders.

"It's been a while, Seiryō," Yuzuha mumbled, trying to come up with small talk.

Seiryō just shrugged and began massaging Yuzuha's smooth back, mainly focusing his gaze on the screen. "Sure has been."

"Yep." Yuzuha secretly wished the tension in the room wasn't so thick. It had been a few years since they last seen each other, mainly because of Yuzuha's common business trips and Seiryō's university in North America. Seiryō had, fortunately, come back for a short while to Japan and would spend the whole time with his family. Although, Hikaru and Kaoru, now twelve and turning thirteen in a few days, who haven't seen their father since the age of one, don't exactly trust the man, so trying to bond with his two sons is a pain, especially if he can't even bond with his own wife.

"Um," Seiryō said quietly, attempting to have some small talk at least, "Hikaru seems… knowledgeable about… _stuff_. I think Kaoru is, too, but… I really can't tell who is who, _still_. It makes me seem like a bad father if I can't tell apart my sons." He let out a halfhearted laugh.

Yuzuha giggled. "You've always been a bad father, even in home economics, but once they get to know you, I'm sure they'll be calling you 'daddy' in no time." As she took in the rest of the sentence – the part she hasn't talked about and almost chose to ignore but didn't – Yuzuha calmly replied, "Anyway, I beg to differ. My- I mean, our boys shouldn't know about these things yet. They're too young."

Seiryō, lips a straight line, stopped massaging Yuzuha's back and sat comfortably on their bed. "On the contrary, I've learned quite a few things in America, and one of my American friends there, Imoo, says that his children already knew about this 'stuff' when they were ten. I say they're more than ready."

Yuzuha let go of the mouse and averted her attention to her husband, cocking her head to the side in confusion. "More than ready for what?" Yuzuha mentally smacked herself. She sounded so dense, and she really didn't like it!

Seiryō smiled. "An American thing, I think. It's called 'the talk'. You talk about what happens to your children as they grow up. Parents do it all the time, or so Imoo says."

"Oh," Yuzuha said dumbly as if the answer was obvious. "So ten, you say?" Yuzuha's eyes glittered with a newfound excitement as she grinned slightly. "Tomorrow's our sons' birthday. That means they're thirteen. Three days after, let's each have a go with 'the talk,' but don't let them know that it's a _friendly_ competition between you and me. They might have biased opinions if they knew it was a competition, and they'll probably choose you over me. They love it when I lose." She smiled warmly and sat next to Seiryō, pushing up his glasses.

The man shared the same smile, only somewhat rougher. "You know a lot about Hikaru and Kaoru, Yuzuha. I'm jealous."

Yuzuha shrugged as if it was no big deal. "The maids know more about them. I'm as bad as a parent as you." The two looked at each other and gave out a hearty laugh. After they stopped, Yuzuha continued. "Anyways, let's go with this: I'll talk first, you go in and come up with an excuse to give them the talk again, and you give them your own talk. I'll come in and we'll ask them which talk is the best. Then, the winner gets a prize, or something like that."

Seiryō raised a brow. "How about the prize is, the one who loses has to treat the other person out for dinner for a month? I don't really want to go into this too far, but it's already making me excited. I don't feel like myself anymore. I think it's because I haven't been in a competition for quite some time now. The Hitachiin spirit is coming back to me." He laughed. "Anyways, deal?"

Yuzuha bit her lip, thinking through it slowly, and nodded. "Deal, but you better get to studying. I don't think _I_ even know what to talk about, and I was the one who passed home economics."

"And I was the one who failed." Seiryō slung his arm around Yuzuha and gently pushed her head against his shoulder as they shared yet another laughing fit. Both thought it would be easy, Yuzuha thought of going to Europe and Latin America restaurants, Seiryō thought of going to other Asian restaurants. But, neither of them even prognosticated the horrible, horrible images they would embed in their sons' minds; they were too hungry to think of such a thing!

--

It was after three years that, unfortunately, "the talk" was back to haunt them. This time, though, the twins were _sure_ this was the worst possible talk ever, in terms of _everything_ – it was an epic failure, but it still made the twins shudder just thinking about it.

It started when the twins were going to leave after school. Tamaki had pulled them into the Third Music Room with the excuse of a father-and-sons meeting.

The twins rolled their eyes in synchronized form, looking at the blonde teenager stomping up to them. His hair was outrageously messy and his eyes were bloodshot, though in the eyes of the twins, he still looked like the same old Tono – only, well, he looked more like a maniac than an idiot.

Tamaki stood in front of them and genuinely smiled his Host Club smile, flashing picture perfect poses. "Since I am your father, I have decided to give you 'the talk'!"

"What the bloody fuck?!" Hikaru yelled angrily, tugging his younger brother closer to him. Kaoru was whimpering, saying that he didn't want to suffer "the talk" again _for the third time_. Hikaru nodded in agreement, brushing his hand softly against Kaoru's forehead, and snarled protectively at the older blonde. "We are _not_ going to have the talk again. It already killed half of Kaoru's brain and fifteen-sixteenths of mine. Besides, we already know the things we should know. Internet – heard of it?"

"Don't be a potty mouth, Hikaru!" Tamaki frowned as if Hikaru had said something offensive. "Oh, but my sons, it won't hurt you! I promise, I'll never hurt you, my sons." He bowed down and sat next to Hikaru, gently and slowly pulling Kaoru off of his older brother. Kaoru complied and Hikaru didn't feel obliged to stop him even _if_ he hated Kaoru not being intact with him.

Tamaki paused for a short period of time and gently swept his hair around, trying to perfect his messy hair. Finally, after Tamaki's hair looked somewhat normal, he pointed a finger in the air and opened his mouth to talk. "I've always wanted to do the talk with my children. I _have_ heard of this Internet, and I've learned a few valuable things from it! It says that a parent should talk about what will happen to my children as they grow up, so I've decided to do just that." He looked over his shoulder, almost as if to see anyone was spying on them, and turned back around to face the twins. "After I accomplish you two, I'll go on with Haruhi, and it'll be over. Is that fine with you two?"

Hikaru and Kaoru looked at each other, shrugging, and then nodded when they met Tamaki's gaze. The blonde smiled, saying his thank you, and proceeded to the next step.

With one swift movement, Tamaki pushed his yellow bangs away from his eyes and flashed a beautiful smile at the two. "Since you both are still the youngest, I will not talk about anything sexually related. I will only talk about girls and what will start happening." He nodded his head, thinking it was the right thing for a father to do, and put his leg over the other casually. "Now, the thing is, you twins are starting or already have thought about girls differently. You don't think they have cooties anymore. You want to start thinking affectionately about them. You are drawn by them. Hormones start raging inside you and you can't control them, so what do you do? After you start to know the girl and date them and you slowly start to like them, you…" Hikaru and Kaoru closed their eyes, waiting for the terrifying words that would escape Tamaki's lips: "have sex with them." That's what their parents have talked about in their talks, so Tamaki was probably going to do it too even if he _did_ say he wouldn't talk about anything sexual. Although, with nervousness disappearing and a twitch forming at the corners of their lips after hearing what Tamaki said, they were doomed to say that, yes, Tamaki is an honest idiot if he couldn't even kill them properly by doing the talk. "You start liking them more!"

Hikaru did a face palm, Kaoru started laughing out loud, pointing at the blonde. "God, Tono, you're not good at this. You're supposed to corrupt us- well, you sorta did with your stupidity, but still. This is just… _failure_," Hikaru said brusquely, wagging his index finger in the air. "You see, our parents talked about sex when we were thirteen. We should've known about all this already. Why do you think we have our brotherly love act?"

Kaoru started wagging his own finger in the air, putting on the exact same neutral expression Hikaru had. "Yep. It's because our parents corrupted us."

The two red-heads looked at one another and sighed. The blonde just stared stupidly at them, blinking stupidly, and even breathing stupidly. Then, he just opened his mouth, as if to say something, and closed it again, pondering for a few more minutes before finally saying the words he had originally planned on saying: "So,

--

"So tell us, Hikaru-"

"-and Kaoru," Seiryō said, sharing the same smile.

"Who gave you guys the better talk?"

Hikaru opened his mouth to speak, but Kaoru had got to it first. "Um, well, you both ruined the vast majority of our brain cells already, so we can't think straight."

Hikaru nodded, closing his eyes. "Yes, yes, _and_ Yuzuha… you're homosexual. And you"—he pointed with his eyes at his dad, half-glaring, half-amused—"support our… err, sexual preferences, but… you're fuckin' crazy about it, dad."

"What he's trying to say is," Kaoru intervened softly, shooting his older brother a shut-up-right-now-you're-only-making-this-worse kind of face, "that… well…"

"Oh, speak, boys! Just answer the question." Yuzuha pouted, crossing her skinny arms over his large chest. She blew a strand of hair from her face, then continued with her childish pouting. She could've been mistaken for a young girl with her pretty, young-like, porcelain features.

"It's simple, really," Seiryō agreed.

The two twins looked at each other thoughtfully, as if they were speaking with their minds, and their parents finally thought the moment of truth would have finally come and blessed them with a month of free food from their favorite kinds of restaurants. But, just before they could open their mouths to tell them their decisions, the door to the Hitachiin household came bursting open and in came an old-looking kind of man. He had saggy features and dark circles under his eyelids. And, from the crazed glaze over his eyes… the entirety of the Hitachiin household knew immediately who this weird lunatic was.

"Dad?!" Yuzuha screeched, as if in anger. The twins have said "grandpa?!" in an almost similar fashion, synchronized even under Yuzuha's loud yelling. Seiryō was the only one who seemed to be not so-surprised to see the old man; in fact, he was happier than ever.

"Old man, how's it going?" Seiryō heaved out a husky laugh and crept up to the old man slowly, patting his back gently. "Long time no see."

"The only reason I'm here, foo'," he said, glaring, "is for those two youngin'." He redirected his attention to the two redheaded boys in front of him, who were currently shivering in their seats, arms locked around in each other. He eyed them carefully. "So tell me, youngin', have you done _it_ yet?"

Yuzuha gaped. Seiryō chuckled uncomfortably. What did the old man mean by "it"? Did he mean something innocent, like helping the old man with chores? Or did they mean something more along the lines of… _gulp_… _seeeeex_?

They both snared at the same time. "Don't you go talking to my boys about sex," Yuzuha snapped, but then laughed sheepishly, turning to her wonderful little sons. "Oh, yeah, that reminds me… Uh, have you decided on it yet?"

"Remember who gave birth to you," Seiryō sang loudly, referring to him. Yuzuha scoffed and leered at the man she shamefully called her husband, mentally telling him that it was she whom gave birth to such sweet little angels. Seiryō mentally interjected by saying (with their fake powers of telepathy, of course) that it was _his_ sperm that fertilized her egg, thus making it possible for the woman to produce the twins.

And then they got into a fight.

This was the chance for the twins to leave. But, they weren't going to leave without some payback, now, were they? Their parents have corrupted their minds, and even though they did brought them into this world, that didn't mean nothing to them.

_Nothing_.

The two twins grinned at each other. "We've come to a conclusion," Kaoru yelled softly, making the bickering couple stop with their arguing. Their eyes sparkled at them, pleading for them to continue.

"We think that…" Hikaru started, smiling deviously.

"…the one who gave the best talk…" Kaoru continued, sharing an equally evil smile.

"…was…" The two Hitachiin twins bit their lips.

"_Him_." At that, Seiryō did a little victory dance, laughing at Yuzuha and telling her that yaoi fans always triumphed. But, it wasn't long before the two finally realized that the twins weren't pointing to Seiryō _nor_ Yuzuha that had them almost die—no, they weren't pointing at either of them at all. They were pointing at… that old man.

Yuzuha and Seiryō practically died. That meant that their deal was off and their stomachs would starve to death. Well, not really, since they were fucking rich and could probably afford the entire universe and all that jazz if they wanted to… but they wanted to have the other pay for the restaurant checks so badly!

The two glared at each other and huffed, slowly walking away but with their glares intact. The two twins giggled into the palms of their hands. Though, that didn't last long when realization dawned upon them.

The old man looked at them with a perverted look on his face. The twins were instantly scared, because they _knew_—they _knew_ what that sort of face meant.

It didn't mean this old man was going to rape them. No, it was far worse than that. It meant one thing and one thing only—something they have feared since an hour ago.

It was only dinner when _it_ happened again. It was only three seconds suffering from _it_ when _it_ happened again. It was only a mere second when they thought they were finally free from _it_ when _it_ had stricken again.

And this time it was coming from that fucking old man.

That.

Fucking.

_Old_.

Man!

**XXX**

**A/N: **THE CHAPTER TITLE IS A LIE.

Haha, this sucks. Majorly. What the fuck was I thinking; I mean, seriously.

I've actually had 1800 words on this, written up a long time ago, and typed up the rest today. It's really sloppy though. It's been, what, around two years already or something? Idk. But, either way, I haven't written an Ouran fic in such a long time, so it was sort of hard to type up, to be honest. I really didn't like the outcome of it, but whatever. If I ever get back into the Ouran fandom… then yeah.

Now, we could call this the end, or, if I have time, I might do the old man's talk. Maybe even try with something else… Or, for those pervs out there, I could try writing a PWP about the twins. Yah. Don't expect that from me anytime soon, though.


End file.
